When Antiracism Becomes Trauma

It was 7pm in my apartment situated just south of Boston where I have spent much of the recent months participating in antiracism efforts largely rooted in the tragic murder of a Black man. As I sat down in my red office chair to await the start of a psychoanalytic discussion on racism, I attempted to firmly embody the power and passion its color evoked. I made a point to glance at the wall art hanging just to the right of my Zoom frame, a necessary ritual. Shown on the canvas is a black woman, a crown of natural curls adorning her head, seated beneath the words “know your worth, then add tax.” Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, the words felt both comforting and mocking.

She had been in this moment before and she knew that this invitation to speak on racism would stir up a trauma response that White racial others rarely recognize. She knows that many of these meetings have harmful impacts though are well intentioned. She knows that good intentions do not make the re-exposed wounds hurt any less. She knows that my scripted role requires self-harm to occur in service of aspirational goals for an antiracist reconstruction of racist structures. She knows I do not have a real choice in the matter for there is much work to do to reimagine antiracism in the field of medicine.

As I logged into the meeting, I customarily counted the visible faces of minoritization…